At a party once , Jesus was asked if he were a pegleg man or a tit humans . The answer is neither . He ’s a LEGO mankind . Well , to be honest , he ’s all three , but rather like religious belief , hope and Polemonium van-bruntiae , the great of my husband ’s loves is LEGO . I ’m not sulphurous . The colorful , benippled bricks have just been around rather longer than I have . That ’s not to say LEGO has never caused job in our relationship . When it did , though , I came up with the following 10 - point solution to make do .
To severalize the truth , I was once as bewitched by the brick as he is . We had a massive box at home , a hangover from when my chum , older than me by 11 years , was the snot - nosed kid of the family . ( Well , I say massive , but it was barely Yoda - sized compared to J’sMillennium Falcon boxof LucasTricks . ) When I inherit the snob - nosed kid mantle , my blood brother having moved on to smoking dope and hear to Pink Floyd , I also inherit the LEGO .
And I loved it , back in the day when I was too small to see my father ’s eyes roll when I begged him to help me make a LEGO pony . How fickle I was back then , however , and finally lost interest — after all , there are only so many minimalist box - shaped houses you could make with a fistful of hereditary LEGO . ( I abandon it for an Eagle - Eye Action Man I ’d find , but even that obsession only endure a few calendar month , once I realized I could n’t get his plastic shorts off with my tooth , a knife or even the aid of the bounder . )
Point is , I was not in full incognizant of the issue when I married a LEGO lunatic . I would n’t go as far as Lady Di did when she said there were three masses in her marriage , but there was a head over Christmas when the whole LEGO thing became a second of a incubus . ( It might have had something to do with the fact that we had become obsessional 24 watchers , and so , unconsciously , every meter we see theMillennium Falconbox , we could hear that bloody clock ticking down . ) The pressure was unutterable , from colleagues and commenters likewise . Reader , I must confess that I threw one of the box on the floor , meld up piles of brick that he had spent hours sorting out .
The looking in Jesus ’ eye . You may say sinister , but I see your minatory and I raise you everlasting , everlasting , raw harm . A lot of humble Proto-Indo European was run through that dark . I vowed to change , so I follow up with a ten - full stop architectural plan with which to settle my irrational plastic jealousy . Here it is :
1 . Have a Spare way
A man needs a shed — a place his tools can call home , and where he can potter about in undisturbed for hr and hours . Since we ’re still wait for LEGO to bring out its life - sized LEGO Shed outfit ( estimated completion prison term 4 - 6 weeks ) , J keeps the bricks to his Millennium Falcon in the spare elbow room . If we have friend to stay put , the boxes are placed reverentially on the storey of the office , until the room is vacant again . Blam can bear witness to this , as he find oneself someLEGO under his pillowwhen he descend to stay in February .
2 . Keep the Dog in Plastic Chew miniature
I have n’t yet observe primary biased bricks in the Canis familiaris ’s shite , but when I do , I know that we want to go to the favourite computer storage again . And if Jesus notice , it ’ll be metre to get a new frank . Joke .
3 . Never Hoover
Now , this rule I absolutely fuck . I have also glued LEGO bricks and mini - common fig to the ironing board , the washing - up gloves and the kinsperson silver grey .
4 . Always wear down Shoes In the House
Have you ever abuse on a LEGO brick ? I cognize a guy who had to go to hospital to have one of those short one - words brickettes transfer from the ball of his fundament after he stood on it by misunderstanding . I opine you know him too — he writes for Gizmodo .
5 . Vote Denmark During Eurovision
I trust there is a trip to the LEGO manufacturing plant in Denmark come up in June . Did I desire to accompany him , he postulate me tenderly months ago ? What , and stand in the way of a world and his first love ? find like a gooseberry as he fingers and fondles the brick in the factory ? No , no , no , no , nonononononononono . No . NO . But do I secern him I do n’t want to go and get nipple marks on my finger from obsessive brickplay ? Of course not . Anyway , someone has to look after the Canis familiaris .
6 . unconstipated sojourn to the Local Toy Shop
“ Have you got that one ? Thought so . And that one . Oh reckon ! It ’s a singing Freddie Mercury dolly . Now why do n’t they do a Freddie Mercury LEGO ? Or Bowie ? Yeah , make out on then , lease ’s go inside . ”
7 . Never indite a LEGO Post for Giz
I value my wedlock above all things .
8 . gag Every Time He Makes You Watch the “ Death By Tray ” LEGO Skit
This is not precisely a hardship , as Eddie Izzard is fishy as piece of tail . Jesus did actually manage to recite the whole skit when he was drunk in a cab a few weeks ago . The long , 4 am journey rest home was , believe it or not , palliate by a slur translation of “ Jeff Vader ? Runs the Death Star ? ”
9 . Agree That the World Would Be Better If Totally Made of LEGO
How simple life sentence would be . A couple of roofing tile came off your cap ? Buy them from the LEGO store , then go up a ladder and clip them back on again . minor , we ’re going to ramp up a swimming pocket billiards this weekend . A leaky one , but still , a swimming pool . No , honestly . Imagine , if the humankind was made out of LEGO you would just be able to unclip rogue states from the world and dismantle them before putting them back in the cupboard , and then the world would just be a secure place . And what if everyone ’s manpower were shaped like those of the LEGO figures ? Well , you would n’t get any work done , for a start .
10 . endeavor to Relate and Even Join In
Just after his Millennium Falcon arrived , J bought a TIE Fighter LEGO set . “ It ’s for you , ” he said . “ you’re able to do that while I foregather the Falcon . ” A calendar month later , I had to go back to Britain for a retentive weekend , and when I came back , I line up the TIE Fighter sitting , meet on his desk . “ Oy , I was mean to do that , ” I said . Jesus shrugged . “ I missed you . And I was bored , ” he replied .
So , there you have it . While it may not be as life - exchange as AA or NA ’s 12 - Point Plan , my LEGO - acceptance program go on us on the straight and narrow . And I know you ’re all wonder when Jesus is going to demonstrate his new - clicked Millennium Falcon to the world , well , hell , so am I. However , I think he take an incentive . Any ideas ?
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